I can’t say the F-word, will the World accept me?

I was delightfully devouring a container of potato wedges in the dim lit crowded pub when she sat across me, a sister of a good friend. We smiled and exchanged pleasantries. I asked her how her day was going, and before I could realize she spat out a volley of F words describing all that was going wrong. F this and F that and F’ing him and F’ing her. I nodded my head, sometimes mouthing ‘right… right‘ just so she knows that I was listening. But soon she bamboozled me with a question – ‘Don’t you think it’s F’ing f’ked up?’.

I blinked. In my whole vocabulary I didn’t have a strong offensive monosyllable word to match the power of F. I replied with a lame, ‘Yeah, that’s bad’. She shot me a look that made me revise my vocabulary.

‘I mean it’s horrendously insensitive and tyrannous’. Yes, 12 syllable words to match the power of a four letter word.

That night I came back home with a determined mind, to finally utter the word. The whole world is dropping F bombs, there couldn’t possibly be anything wrong with it, right? 😛

So I looked in the mirror, stared into my eyes and opened my mouth – Ffffff… Immediately my mind conjured an image of mom holding a steel spatula which had been dipped in hot bubbling oil and of Dad in olive green uniform with pursed lips, the kind reserved for mornings when he finds the bottle of oil and moisturizers not arranged according to the height.

You see, I was born in the 80’s and went to Army and Air Force schools. I belong to an era when the conversation went like:

“Pata hai Rita ne Gita ko pagal ladki bola” (Do you know Rita called Gita a mad girl)

“hawww hawww hawwww”, chorused a group of flabbergasted girls, unable to believe that such an insulting adjective had been spoken in the school premises.

“Phir Gita ne Rita ko stupid bola” (Then Gita called Rita Stupid)

Gasp! “hawwwwwww”

Even today, the most offensive word that I can say out loud is Sh$t. Happens when I get so involved in watching House of Cards that I forget that there’s something cooking on the stove.

Believe me, not being able to swear is a serious issue. You have no idea how socially inept I feel when my colleagues can be so powerfully expressive with one word bomb and I have to resort to phus-phus Diwali crackers to express my sentiments.

So while I make few more attempts to be bold and swear’y, let me know in the comment section whether you can swear or not. 🙂

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28 thoughts on “I can’t say the F-word, will the World accept me?

  1. oh boy.. now i feel ashamed 🙁 I use the F word so much its just become a habit. maybe because of the job .. na that is an excuse .. I think I need to start thinking and change myself…

    the post made me smile 🙂

    1. I don’t spill the F word on drop of the hat and people tell me, ” You can’t be from Delhi” if you are not adding F**k and BC after every sentence.

  2. Hahaha! You are absolutely right Raj, we have been hardwired to not use swear words. I did try using the F word but it sounded so alien to even my own ears, I dropped it. In fact I even go one step ahead and glare at people who use it. Oil and moisturizers arranged height wise….Lol!!

  3. I do use swear words… very often withing me…. in in almost inaudible tone… And many times when I am around the closest of people. Surprisingly , I did grow up in a protected environment out of reach of such words.. But then… things have changed now and i do so!!!

  4. I tell my friend she is a Kutti with a Ya. That’s how I swear. You can try. After a lot of though and courage, I also called her Chu with a Ya. Ha!! I couldnt add the in-between!!!!
    Sooo, same pinch!

  5. I can’t say the F-word , I haven’t tried and I don’t want to.Like you, I have gotten as far as S*** only.Look like you spoke my mind

  6. Can I swear or not? Knowing the person I am, what do you think? 😛

    I swear a LOT! Mostly in exclamations and rarely in situations. Also, only when I have my people around me. There is an element of comfort associated with swearing too 🙂

  7. Sure I can swear. But you won’t hear me doing it. 🙂 I generally reserve it for super-close friends..people I grew up with and in extreme privacy.

    I can’t stop smiling at the visual of your dad looking stern because the moisturizer and oil bottles are not arranged according to size! Love it! And love you for not succumbing to the pressure of the F word.

  8. My Dad comes from a family of soldiers. He himself cleared the formalities to enroll into Indian Navy but lost in medical due to his poor vision in the right eye. Mom was a teacher for over three and a half decades. Using cuss words was not at all allowed in our family. I was brought up in West Delhi by a Punjabi family who started and ended their day with MC and BC. Once when we were visiting Mom’s Principal and family, I used MC for their son. My Dad almost killed me that day right in front of them. I was two and a half years old. But that probably was the last day that I used any such word.

    I do see a lot of young kids using the F-word so callously. A ride in the Metro means at least a thousand F-words from fellow passengers who are mostly young boys and girls. I really feel scared about the day my own girls pick it up from somewhere and use it mindlessly. I am sure my hands will do the talking way more than my mouth. It’s very important to set the right example for your children from a very young age.

  9. Haha.. so well expressed. You speak for me, or may be most of the good girls born before F word made it to normal vocabulary. I called my friend Saali once , and everyone stared at me like I committed murder. So thank you for this blog.

  10. haha..Well, being born in the 80s myself let me tell you what was the worst swear word ( if you could call it that ) I had uttered in my school life and that too when my best friend insisted that I should. It was crocodile. I’m kind of like you but sometimes in my mind I do utter the F word for some utterly annoying folks at work 😉

  11. Everyone is different and you shouldn’t feel bad about that Raj. You have your own unique style and I think dazzling others with a catalogue of big words is good too. 🙂 I use profanity often in real life, mostly for emphasis. After all, “fuck” is probably the most flexible word in the English language. You can use it as a noun, pronoun, verb or adverb. 😀 Using it too frequently gets incredibly tiresome, though and that has little appeal, in my opinion.

  12. So cute, you are. I don’t swear often but yes, f&₹4 is liberating. I swear the most when I drive. And the swear words only come out in the company of friends or those I am friends with. 😀

  13. Okay I want to give you one tight hug right away – totally completely with you on this. Once an idiotic autowallah crashed into my two-wheeler and all I could say to his cheekily grinning face was ‘stupid, idiot, donkey’. I’ve since then graduated to ‘shit’ and ‘bloody’ and that’s big progress but when someone says the F word during a conversation I still feel a ‘haw’ rising up in me.

  14. Loved reading this one! Two things, one upbringing and second environment where we live push us to use or otherwise of such profanitities. Purba has said about the latter part am sure:)

  15. LOL 😀 This was a fun read! Well, I can use the F word, though have to be conscious of using it especially in front of kids. Some time ago, we were having dinner with our client and I dropped something on my dress and said the F word. My boss gave me a dirty look and that embarrassed me like hell, but the client was cool about it and went to great lengths to lighten the atmosphere!

  16. Hahaha! This was hilarious, Raj! I don’t use the F word often, except when I’m with close friends but that too is a rarity. I use WTF more often since it sounds less obscene. Under my breath I do use Sh*t and the F word in extreme situations. However, the desi cuss words get me cringing most of the time, more so when women around me use them in random conversations. I can never ever do that. Loved this post, especially the Gita-Rita part. 😂

  17. Oh this is a fun post. Yes my upbringing also entailed no word bombs, but when I joined advertising they started to come easier than I had expected. But then I just started detesting their usage and stopped sooner than I had started.
    So no, I’m not a prude but I hate using the F** word, though some time Friggin’ comes to me naturally- that too once in a blue moon or the bleedy! Lol

    Don’t like the very idea of mouthing expletives. So there!

  18. This is such a good post!
    My parents are very conservative and I was brought up in a way that I never cussed!
    But, if you see me talk now you would know that F works happens to be petty often in my vocabulary! ( not proud but not sad ;))

  19. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I can just imagine that girl’s expression 😂😂

    As for me, I can’t swear either. If just doesn’t come to me. Upbringing and all that 😉 this was hilarious. Like, really, extraordinarily, hilarious.

  20. Hilarious!! I so enjoy every post of yours, Raj!
    Okay, so as you asked, well I can’t utter the word without feeling squeamish. Moreover, I don’t hang out with friends often so adult conversations are rare and thus the F bomb doesn’t get dropped. If something goes wrong in the kitchen or while working, I may manage an “Oh Sh*t!”..but the f word – I just about whisper, even when no one’s listening! So don’t worry sweetie…you have company!

  21. Lol..trying to tell the world that you are Sanskari eh? In that pub dim light you were able to see the look she gave that made you change your vocab? With those eyes of yours? 😜
    I can inspire you to catch up faster with the addition of swear and slang words to your vocab. 😂

  22. Hahhhahahhahha! Another gem of a post that had me laughing! I was just imagining the expression on your face in the pub:))))
    Bloody is my favorite word, and no, I don’t consider it a swear word. It is an expression, Bloody becomes Bleddy, when I am irritated Bloddy, when I am annoyed and so and and so forth.

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